Of course we have learned countless things about each other personally that we never knew. All of those fun little quirks that every one of us have. You know what I'm talking about - the ones we think are totally normal until living with another person. However, I would just like to take this post to share with you some of the big things about marriage we (some mostly I) have learned this year.
Conflict:
I want to start off by saying that conflict is not bad. Not knowing how to deal with conflict or ignoring that there ever is conflict is how things turn bad. It is inevitable that at some point in your first year of marriage you will have conflict. You are two totally different people that have attached their lives together.. of course there is conflict. However, the main thing we have learned about conflict is that no one person is 100% innocent in any situation. If you have 2% blame and they have 98%, thats fine, but it is important that you are humble in accepting the 2% where you were wrong. Being someone who struggles with pride, perfectionism, and wanting to be right, this part tends to be harder for me. I am grateful I have a husband who sets an example for me of what owning up to your mistakes looks like. I am extremely blessed. This pride that I mentioned before is a part of what makes conflict bad. When you can openly express that you have made mistakes, it opens doors that allow the other person to be forthcoming with their mistakes as well.
With that being said, conflict cannot be addressed if you refuse to make the other party aware that feelings were hurt. For women, we would really like our men to be able to read our mind (because thats totally logical, right? ) To know what they said that hurt your feelings without you having to tell them. OR we just want to sit angry at them because for some reason we think that will make us feel better. I know. . . because I've been there. It is sometimes the hardest temptation to resist saying "nothing" when my husband asks me if something is wrong. Learning to openly communicate with my husband in a polite, respectful way when my feelings are hurt has been so healing in times of conflict. It has allowed us to resolve our conflict and learn more about the other. That same type of open communication goes for men as well. Women need to be told that what they said was rude, or that they could have been nicer when asking _________. Communication. Is. Key.
However, with conflict comes. . . .
Grace
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you did not marry a perfect person and despite what you might think sometimes, you are not perfect either. We all make mistakes and are flawed. It is a part of life. Grace within marriage has been a hard concept for me this year because in order to receive grace, this ultimately means that you have failed at something. Ugh. Failure. As I stated previously, I tend to have perfectionist tendencies and for some reason have believed that if I work hard at something I will be successful. Not true. We are all going to fail at some point - loose our cool, be rude, have a bad day. Even if we try our hardest, we will eventually slip up somewhere. But there is grace. In life, if we been given grace upon grace in Jesus Christ. He paid the ultimate price for all of our sins and has forgiven us. Grace. If we have been given that kind of grace how can we not in turn give grace to our spouses. We have the rest of our life and that (Lord willing) is a long time. We have many more life stages to learn, which will of course have mistakes and failure along the way. There is much grace that has been given and received this year (praise the Lord), but there is more grace to be given and received along the way.
Trust
Being a fairly independent person and did I mention slightly perfectionist, I tend to have a hard time trusting people. I would rather do something myself and have it done the way I would like instead of depending on others to get it done. Sound familiar? With that said, the Lord has done leaps and bounds on my heart in this area long before I married Casey. I believe the Lord was slowly teaching me over the course of my years at Texas A&M that trust plays a huge role in respecting my husband. If we are being honest here (and we are) its not because I don't trust my husband. Shoot, I trust him so much I married him! It's because I am an absolute control freak - which oddly enough is a part of my self that I have to control. . . Being able to show my husband that I trust him plays a huge part in our marriage. It is encouraging to him, it gives him confidence as a man, and it allows him to confidently lead our family according to the will of God. We are called as women to respect out husbands, not just in the big things, but in the small things as well. (Ephesians 5:22-23) This means ladies to trust your husband. Trust him to drive you to where you need to go. . . he doesn't need you to tell him how to drive or how to get there. He wants to fix something in the house, but is taking longer than you expected. . . trust him to get it done. Sometimes it doesn't always get done the right way the first time, or in the amount of time that you wanted it to, but through that process they are learning all of those same things themselves. . . they don't need you to tell them. I can say all this because I have failed in all of those things! I fully realize that I am not perfect in trusting my husband, but I am learning. I fail all the time, but the Lord has graciously taught me and continues to teach me what it looks like to trust my husband and to respect him. What a blessing it has been for our marriage this past year.
Patience
Patience is threaded throughout all of the above I have just talked about: conflict, grace, and trust. We must have patience with one another. "Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, which all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love. . . " (Ephesians 4:2) We are still learning. We are two completely different human beings with different ways of thinking, living, etc. who are trying to combine their lives to create a family. It is going to be hard. However, where much grace is needed, patience is needed just the same.
Learning to Love Well
If you have ever read the book "5 love languages" you know what I am talking about. If you have not, it is a book that describes the 5 different ways in which people give and receive love. You might give love in a way that looks completely different than they way your spouse gives/receives love. Learning how to love each other well and make that known can be a difficult task if you have no idea how either of you receive love. I would encourage you if you have never taken the quiz about which love language you speak to do so here. . . 5 Love Languages Quiz. We all want our spouse to know that we love him or her, so do the work now. Invest your time into learning about how your significant other receives and gives love.
In closing
It is the Lord that binds us together. He is the giver of life and of all things good. We most importantly have learned that in order to be a better spouse to each other, we must first be a better lover of God because it is in Him that all things hold together. It is by Him that we were brought to each other and by Him that our marriage is sustained. Praise be to God. What an awesome year this has been for us. Like I said at the beginning, we do not even come close to claiming we have marriage all figured out. We have done a lot of learning and have yet to do so much more. We just wanted to share some of the lessons the Lord has already been faithfully teaching us through this past year! If you have made it all the way to the end of this. . . thank you for reading. You are a true friend :)
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